When Love or Life Blinds You: Signs That You are Ignoring the Obvious – Parshat Bo

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How ‘bout a shot of truth in that denial cocktail.”    – Jennifer Salize

For better or worse, part of the human condition is to contend with a built-in sensitivity to negativity, called “the negativity bias.”  When taken to an extreme, however, a negativity bias creates a filter to that which is good and positive.  When we turn a blind eye to the inherent worthiness of our children and loved ones, for example, we damage impressionable psyches – sometimes for a lifetime – and we wreak relationship havoc.  The flip side to this is to view people through rose-colored glasses so thick and idealized, that we cannot see any flaws or faults – even when others clearly can. 

My husband and I just watched a classic film from the forties – The Heiress – where Olivia de Havilland plays a plain Jane character, socially awkward and unassuming, who gets swept off her feet by a stunningly handsome fortune hunter.  De Havilland lives with her father, who never misses an opportunity to compare her unfavorably to his dead wife.  Romanticizing her as the epitome of idealized perfection, he views his dowdy and shy daughter as an insult to his wife’s very memory.  On the other hand, de Havilland’s aunt is so caught up in the wishful fantasy of a prince charming rescuing her niece, that she absurdly supports the “romance” – even after de Havilland is jilted when the promise of money disappears.  What made the movie compelling was de Havilland’s heartbreaking courage to allow and accept truth to pierce her illusions, even though it shattered her world.

I Just Don’t Get It – How Could They…

How many relationships are strained when we cannot, for the life of us, understand how someone can hold a particular opinion, or who remains tenaciously committed to problematic behavior in the face of objective and incontrovertible facts that contradict their beliefs?  It takes a great deal of courage for people to be willing to change their worldview; so, it’s naïve to think that pulling back the curtain of their illusions will make them fall in line.  That is because our versions of reality can be bound up in our very identities, our dreams, and the stories we tell about ourselves and the world. 

That is why sometimes we “fight to the death” over insignificant things.  The need to be right at all costs is the fear of the loss of self, our history, our values, and our way of knowing things.  Thus, we can be so irrational when we are triggered, because the very nature of being triggered means that a core value, identity or need is being challenged. And when our stories are confronted, we defend them – reason and reality be damned.

Pharaoh and De-Nile

The inability to recognize the obvious is never more evident than in the story of Ten Plagues.  How can we understand Pharaoh’s refusal to concede that Egypt was being reduced to ruin?  Even worse – how could Pharaoh reject the demand for freedom, when Moses warned of the most crushing plague of them all –  the death of the firstborn?  The text tells us repeatedly, that at each juncture when Pharaoh could relent, that God hardened his heart, implying that God caused Pharaoh to continue to make these bad choices.   But that’s not the case; instead, God prevented Pharaoh from surrendering out of fear and expediency.  When facing an imminent threat, people often promise to change their problematic behaviors, but as soon as they think the risk is over, they go right back to their dysfunctional ways.  The promise isn’t real; it’s a disingenuous ruse for their convenience.  As long as Pharaoh was unwilling to change his story, his worldview – namely that he was the deity in control, God was not going to let him play that game.  Incredibly, it wasn’t until Egypt was destroyed, the death of firstborn, and his entire army perishing at sea, that Pharaoh was willing to cede to the truth – that there really is a God – and it ain’t him. 

What About Us?

The point is not to look at Pharaoh as a deranged dictator from a bygone era, however, but to look within.  Is this going on in our lives?  Is there something we are not willing to face?  The saying, “Love is blind,” is not just a saying – neuroscience has proven how infatuation causes us to lose the ability to think critically.  Of course, when the chemicals wear off, we see people as if for the first time and wonder – who is this person?  As a long-time divorce attorney, and now a coach, I cannot count how many times people admit that the problems destroying their marriages were there beforehand, and feel remorse for not listening to friends, family, or their own inner voice, that questioned the relationship.  

In my experience, people tell us who they are – but often we refuse to see it, or if we do, we believe we can fix them.  So, I am going to do something very unusual – I am going to provide some questions for you to consider and outline objective red flags and danger signals, that if present in your relationships, should make you question very seriously whether a relationship is right for you.  And if you still choose the relationship, then at least you can open your eyes and come up with realistic strategies to make the relationship healthier and happier.

Projecting the Future

Would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person exactly as they are?   Would I want this person to raise my child?  Would I want my child to be exactly like this person?

Are You Talking Yourself into the Relationship?

Do I want to help them or rescue them because I “see” their potential?  I love the way they look, or their status and it builds my self-esteem to be with them. We have some things in common so, I am avoiding looking at glaring differences. I’m focusing on one important quality, and ignoring unmet requirements. I notice myself trying to change this person to fit what I want rather than accepting them for who they are.   

Danger Signs

Reacts to frustration with anger, rage, and blame.  Blames others or circumstances for life situation.  Tries to control everything, including me.  Is immature, impulsive and/or irresponsible. Is emotionally distant, avoidant and aloof.  Is still pining for a past relationship. Wants me to make their sad life better. Is married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me. Has active addiction or addictive behavior, rationalized as, “not a problem.”

Common Red Flags

Is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me.  Lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.  Is judgmental towards themselves and others.  Is unwilling to self-examine, take feedback, accept responsibility. Doesn’t keep agreements. What they say about themselves doesn’t match reality.  Takes you on an emotional roller coaster, with regular or recurring emotional drama.  This isn’t what I really want, but I don’t want to be alone.  Shows changeable inconsistent behavior. Shows an inability to listen. Talks too much (especially about themselves), monopolizes conversations, or is overly withdrawn and quiet.

What We Resist Persists

If a number of these issues resonate with you, please get some objective help in evaluating the relationship.  Unresolved problems don’t improve after marriage; they get worse.  It’s distressing how many people refuse to see or downplay warning flags, and head into unsatisfactory marriages, where they may struggle for years to get clarity on why things aren’t working.  De Havilland got it right when she realized that wishing desperately for something does not make it so.   Watch the movie.

Sources: Conscious Dating – Red Flags Checklist. 
© Relationship Coaching Institute | All rights reserved | Adapted with permission

 

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Bo: It’s a Balancing Act

If any human being is to reach full maturity both the masculine and the feminine sides of the personality must be brought up into consciousness.

– Mary Esther Harding

indexAs usual, I was hanging out on the balcony. When I’m in Florida, the first thing I like to do when I go to someone’s home, especially one to which I haven’t been before, is to check out what slice of a living landscape they have. We were four couples enjoying a Saturday night together, and as I was eyeing the night-lights reflecting columns of shimmering silver in the water, the men had migrated to the balcony.

The host, a house blend of the warm hospitality of Avraham Aveinu and the easy elegance of a Russian aristocrat, offered up fine cigars all around, unhesitatingly including me as one of the gang. Looking at the big fat cigar, I quipped, “Thanks, but I only smoke lady cigars.” Instantly, he proffered a slim shorter version, and having met my bluff, what could I do? The next thing I knew, I was expertly puffing away, channeling the spirit and loving memories of my cigar-smoking grandfather.

Then our host offered up a bottle of almost 200-year-old Calvados. Seriously, how could I not? I did pick out the smaller cut-glass snifter, however, and daintily asked for just a little bit, thank you. And then I hung out with the guys because I found the conversation (something about Joseph and Egypt) so darn interesting. Wow, Hanna, I was thinking, you’re really getting in touch with your masculine side tonight. Before you judge me, however, I was simply fulfilling one of Judaism’s deepest mandates, which comes from the Torah portion, “Bo.

In addition to having to shepherd 3 million men women and children out from enemy territory, God gave Moses a very strange commandment: to create a “calendar” – and not just any calendar – but a strange and unique calendar that is based on both the lunar months and the solar year. Early civilizations were based on a lunar calendar. After all, when marking the passing of time, what’s easier than looking up in the sky? With the advent of agriculture, however, lunar-based calendars were inadequate for informing farmers when to plant their crops, and so the solar calendar, which is seasonal, became dominant.

These two systems (lunar and solar) are not in sync, however, and thus, it requires complicated adjustments to reconcile the two over a perpetual 19-year cycle. What was so significant about this calendar that it had to be commanded at such a precarious moment?

The Hebrew word for Egypt is “Mitzraim,” from the word “meitzar” – which means “narrow” and “constricted.” In leaving Egypt, the Jewish people were going from a place of narrowness to expansion, from a bounded country to an endless open desert, from slavery to freedom.   And that entails a major shift in thinking which is necessary to cultivate both individual and relationship potential.

Jewish mysticism teaches us that the differences between the sun and the moon are not just physical, but spiritual. This polarity is not merely about being a man or a woman; rather, these energies and qualities are present in everyone.

The characteristics of masculine energy are “top-down,” and proactive. When masculine energy interacts with the world, the predominant energy is to decisively and quickly impose external solutions onto others or situations. When my husband was admitted to the ER with a gastric bleed, for example, he needed masculine-energy medical intervention to save his life. Had the doctor not immediately located the site of the bleed, started transfusions and sent my husband off for surgery, my husband would have died on the spot.

The characteristics of feminine energy, on the other hand, are “bottom-up” and receptive. When feminine energy interacts with the world, it sees potential, and by cultivating, building, and revealing innate qualities, it engenders transformation. And so, after the medical crisis and other complications had passed, my husband was totally debilitated and it was almost a year before he regained his former vigor and health.   During that time, he benefited from feminine-energy medical support, utilizing a holistic approach to restoring his body from the inside out, bringing his body into balance and letting the Natural Healer take over.

So, both masculine and feminine energies are equally dynamic and vital, and we need access to both ways of being. To be a free and fully functioning person, however, we need to know when to be what. Not only do get into trouble when we employ the wrong energy for the task but furthermore, our relationships suffer when we are out of balance.  

For example, in its unbridled extreme, masculine energy is tyrannical. Pharaoh exemplifies the unhealthy aspects of masculine energy in that he saw reality as an either/or, black and white proposition. He reduced reality to one dimension – “my way or the highway.” That kind of thinking will defend distorted and warped viewpoints to the death. No wonder it’s a relationship killer.

Similarly, feminine energy in its unhealthy extreme creates submissiveness to the extent where such a person cannot act or think on his or her own and thus doesn’t even have a point of view. It’s not slavery per se, but the willingness to remain a slave out of choice is to reject the idea of self-efficacy. As we know from Biblical commentary, most of the Jews wanted to stay in Egypt and did not make it out. And disconnection from one’s identity and personal power is anathema to a vibrant bond, both in our relationships with each other and with God.

Thus, this is not a call for androgyny, unisex blandness, or the homogenizing of identity and dissolving differences. Rather, true freedom comes from the ability to bring the cosmic forces of masculine solar and feminine lunar energy into balance and harmony on an individual level and ultimately a global one. Being tasked with being a light unto the nations calls for a balancing act that awakens us to the full power of our being, realizes the richness of relationship potential, and creates the joining of heaven and earth.  

 

The Balancing Act Of Freedom: Knowing When To Be What

I believe now that our fractured society is longing for a world in which the unity of humanity and the cosmos, the wholeness of body, soul and spirit and the unity of the masculine and feminine principles is valued, in which meaning is restored. – Chris Clark

Last week, we took a little 3-day family outing, bringing loads of luggage fit for a Sherpa, to NYC, the land of “everything”. We left home an hour and a half past our estimated departure time (don’t ask). Ten or fifteen minutes into the trip we had to turn around and come back home to get a forgotten item (really don’t ask). And I couldn’t help but wonder how Moses managed to get a few million Jews out the door carrying all of their possessions, leaving Egypt in one fell swoop.

In this week’s Torah portion, “Bo”, we see the unfolding of the last three plagues, the laws of Passover, and the leaving of Egypt. That’s a lot of stuff for Moses to be dealing with, and so I was curious about the insertion of two lines that seemed irrelevant, out of the blue, and frankly, a little off the wall. God said to Moses and Aaron: This month shall be for you the beginning of the months. It shall be for you the first of the months of the year.

I’m going to cut to the chase and tell you embedded in these two cryptic lines is the command to sanctify the new moon (Rosh Chodesh) and also to ensure that Passover always occurs in the spring season. In essence, in the middle of one of the biggest craziest ballagons in history, God commanded Moses to create a “calendar” – and just any calendar – but a strange and unique calendar that is based on both the lunar months and the solar year.

After all, the Jewish calendar is the only calendar based on both the sun and the moon. Only these two systems (lunar and solar) are not in sync, and thus, it requires adding leap months, and other adjustments to reconcile the two over a perpetual 19-year cycle.

What was so important that it had to be commanded on the eve of leaving Egypt and why make it so complicated? The Hebrew word for Egypt is “Mitzraim”, from the word “Metzar” – which means “narrow” and “constricted”. In leaving Egypt, the Jewish people were going from narrowness to expansion, from a bounded country to a limitless open dessert, from slavery to freedom.

One of the hallmarks of being a slave is the inability to control anything, specifically time. When God commanded us to be in charge of publicly announcing the new moon (Rosh Chodesh/the new month), we were given the gift of being able to declare and sanctify time itself. And as the Jewish people were coming into their newly liberated status, it was important that they understood that freedom is not the same as a “free-for-all” and that expansion and freedom requires a balanced approach.

Jewish mysticism teaches us that the differences between the sun and the moon are not just physical, but spiritual, and that the masculine spiritual energy of giving (the sun) and the feminine spiritual energy of receiving (the moon) are two cosmic forces that need to be brought into balance and harmony. The characteristics of masculine energy are that it is “top down”, proactive, exerts will, imposes an external solution, fixes a situation, overcomes, and emits. When masculine energy interacts with the world, the predominant energy is the execution of the will of the giver or executor.

The characteristics of feminine energy, on the other hand, are that it is “bottom up”, that it sees potential, cultivates, builds, reveals innate qualities, and transforms. When feminine energy interacts with the world, the emphasis is on the receiver – not the giver.

This is not about being a man or a woman. These are energies and qualities that we all have, and it goes back to the beginning, with the creation of Adam that occurs in two parts. First, as being created in the image of God, Adam was given dominion over everything. If it crawled, walked, swam, or flew, Adam was in charge. This was proactive masculine energy.

Second, when God blew His breath into Adam’s nostrils, placed him in Garden of Eden and told him to “tend it”, Adam was tasked with care-taking, cultivating, and nurturing. This was feminine energy. We need both energies, both ways of being – but to be a free and fully functioning person, we need to know “when to be what”.

There are times when we need an immediate solution to something, where there is a crisis, calling for fast and effective leadership in a top down strong way. And there are times when leadership serves by building consensus, collaborative brainstorming, building relationships and cultivating talent. There are times when we need to impart concepts and information, and times when we want to foster the process of learning. There is a time to be active and a time to be passive. There is a time to be the conqueror and a time to be the cultivator. There is a time to be Adam #1 and Adam #2.

In the book, Built to Last, authors Collins and Porras conducted a 6-year study at the Stanford University Graduate School of Business, studying eighteen truly exceptional and long-lasting companies as well as their direct competitors. They were looking for an answer to the question: “What makes the truly exceptional companies different from the comparison companies and what were the common practices these enduringly great companies followed throughout their history?” In other words, was there a secret to their success?

And what they found was that exceptionally visionary and enduring companies all shared trait this in common – they knew “when to be what”. They knew when to be hierarchical and when to be flat, when to micro-manage and when to full-out delegate. They had a fixed core of values as well as the flexibility to change on a dime. By being able to embrace both sides of the coin, they knew “what to do when” and “when to be what”.

Jewish mysticism teaches that that the era of redemption will see the return of feminine energy. Masculine energy can win a war and impose a cease-fire, but true peace is a bottom up and inside out process. In the times of the Messiah, said the prophet Isaiah, “the light of the moon shall be like the light of the sun. Thus, these cosmic forces and energies will be in balance and harmony.

When we left Egypt, we received the Torah, and we were tasked with being the light unto nations. We have to be conscious of our ability to receive and our strength to give. We must be conscious of our collective soul as well as our individual missions, and to bring our families, our communities, the world, and ultimately ourselves into a state of balance. When the whole world knows “when to be what”, the sun and moon will be equal. This is what freedom looks like and this is why we were freed from Egypt – for the purpose of balance, harmony and ultimate redemption.

Something To Ponder:

  1. Has there been a situation, which you met with a proactive, forceful, task-oriented, decisive and immediate energy, which could have been better served if you had met it with a nurturing, collaborative, long-term, team-building and receptive energy?
  2. How about the reverse?
  3. Is there a situation right now that you are trying to control or force an outcome to that is resisting you? What would happen if you let go? Who could you be? What could be possible?
  4. Is there a situation right now, which would benefit from your immediate attention and action? What do you need to be doing right now that you are avoiding taking on?
  5. How would you be served and supported by tapping into energies that you thought were taboo to you or inappropriate for your gender?